


seen the man use the needle (seen the needle use the man)

by orphan_account



Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst, Drug Use, M/M, Possibly Triggering, mentions of thoughts of suicide, watch out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-26
Updated: 2016-10-26
Packaged: 2018-08-27 03:47:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8386009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: bambam is a drug addict and got7 is worried





	

the only thing on bambam's mind was how soon he could get another fix. he looked around the room from object to object and anxiously tapped his foot, feeling the withdrawal starting to kick in. it had been almost a full two days since he had last shot up and he—

"bam!" his boyfriend, yugyeom, shouted in his direction. bambam smiled slightly and scratched the top of his head. "how long have you been awake? it's like seven in the morning."

"uh, just woke up, actually." 'liar,' he thought. 'you've been awake for four days.'

"are you okay? you...you seem kind of worried about something," yugyeom pointed out that he was tapping his foot and had a weird expression on his face, concern written all over his own.

bambam felt the irritability bubble up inside him and it was about to explode. "i'm fine! god, yug, get off my back!" he snapped and walked upstairs.

immediately, he searched under his bed to get his—what he calls—"magic" box. inside of it were his supplies: needles, spoon, heroin, lighter, tourniquet, alcohol wipes. he grabbed it and dashed to the bathroom before anyone saw him. he sat on the toilet while he mixed the powdery substance in the spoon with water. he let it sit for a while before mixing it up again.

he took the lighter to the spoon and watched as the liquid turned brown and thickened, guilt churning in his stomach. he needed this, he thought. it's the only way to chill him out.

"bammie?" a small knock was heard. "are you okay in there? what's going on?" it was yugyeom's worried voice.

"everything's...good!" he put the (what he calls) liquid heaven in the syringe. he tied the tourniquet around his arm and watched for his favorite vein to pop up. "i've, uh...i've got diarrhea." he injected the needle and instantly felt a sense of relief.

he flushed the needle and stuck the syringe in the small garbage can after wrapping it neatly in toilet paper. he stuck the spoon, lighter, and tourniquet in the box and opened the door to find the hallway empty, thank god. he ran to his room, slid the box under his bed, and walked downstairs.

all six of the other members were suddenly crowded around the television, watching the introduction to some western movie. bambam could feel the high beginning to set in and he sighed happily to himself. he had missed this feeling. however, the underlying guilt was starting to eat away at him. he promised himself he would stay clean the rest of the week. it had only been a day and a half.

"bambam! come join us!" jinyoung invited, patting the seat next to him on the couch.

"uh, sure," he said after a few seconds, noticing the way his voice slowed and drew out syllables. luckily, it was dark in the room so no one would notice his pinned pupils or how glossy his eyes and how flushed his face must be.

he sat down next to jinyoung and absentmindedly scratched at his arm. he started dozing off, but his eyes kept snapping open. his breathing was quite labored and he hoped no one would notice, which apparently they didn't.

jinyoung's arm brushed against him and it felt delicious. he let out a small groan and pretended it was because he was stretching his legs.

see, being high wasn't sexual, per se. it's sensual. all your nerves are on fire and just having someone simply touch you feels heavenly. bambam thinks that it's the intensity of the experience that lends itself to being told of that way. when bambam got high, the rush never lasted last very long. the rush is his favorite part. the first few times it would last the entire time he was high. it was always like a mini explosion of pure pleasure and bliss and in that moment he had no worries whatsoever. no axiety, no stress, nothing but satisfaction with the world.

bambam escaped from his thoughts, stood up, and slowly but surely made his way to the kitchen. he searched the fridge and grabbed the leftover mac n cheese from last night. he stuck it on a plate and shoved it in the microwave for a minute and a half when he felt a pair of strong arms wrap around his waist from behind.

"hey, baby," he heard yugyeom say with a kiss to his neck. bambam let out a content sigh as he leaned into yugyeom's embrace. "are you okay? you've been acting weird lately."

this was the conversation he was dreading. he knew yugyeom was only worried, but he couldn't help but feel somewhat annoyed. of course he was okay. he had everything under control, thank you very much. his high mostly blocked out this feeling as he turned around and pressed a soft kiss to yugyeom's lips.

"everything's perfect, yuggie," he said with a small smile.

"your eyes are glossy and your cheeks are flushed. are you sick—?" the microwave beeped and bambam waited a few seconds before he scrambled to get his food. when he was high, his reflexes were always slow.

"actually, i think i might be coming down with something," bambam lied through his teeth, letting out a small cough. he had gotten pretty good at lying lately. he always found another way to lie himself out of being found out. being a secret junkie for almost six months, you have to be good at lying and manipulating.

"and you just kissed me! now i'm gonna get sick," yugyeom pouted.

"shut up, you big baby," bambam laughed and kissed him again, his lips lingering longer this time.

"just eat your food, headass," yugyeom huffed playfully.

"we should go up to our room and cuddle for a while," bambam suggested, grabbing his plate with one hand and yugyeom's hand with the other.

"you never want to cuddle, bam. are you—"

"yes, i'm okay! stop asking that. come on, please?" bambam stuck out his bottom lip and game yugyeom his best puppy dog eyes.

"fine, whatever," yugyeom gave in before walking bambam up to their room, noticing how suspiciously slow he was being.

yugyeom was worried. his boyfriend was seriously acting strange. he had been more secretive these past few months, and he hasn't been as enthusiastic about his performances. he's been lying, which is what struck yugyeom the hardest. he can always tell when bambam is lying, no matter how good the older thinks he is.

"give me a bite of that," yugyeom said to snap himself out of his thoughts. he grabbed bambam's fork and took a big bite of his mac n cheese.

"you—that was like half of it!" bambam whined, snatching the fork and taking the finishing bites of his snack.

"was not." yugyeom glared playfully and set bambam's plate on the nightstand. he laid down and pulled the older down with him, slinging an arm over his stomach. bambam ran his fingers through yugyeom's hair and smiled to himself. the mellow from the high and cuddles from his boyfriend just seemed like the perfect fit.

oftentimes he wondered what yugyeom would be like when he was high, but he didn't want him to become the kind of person he was. an addict. a liar. a manipulator.

"bam, i love you," yugyeom said against his chest. his stomach turned.

"i love you more," he replied. it was true however wrong he felt saying it. he loved yugyeom with all his heart and never wanted to let him go, but he never wanted to be the one to weigh him down. bambam knew he would be yugyeom's anchor as long as he was an addict, but he didn't want help. he didn't need help. he still has it under control. he can stop any time he wants.

at least, that's what he told himself.

"shut up," yugyeom said with a small smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

they stayed like that for a couple of hours, talking about nothing and everything. bambam loved these moments. feeling yugyeom pressed up against him, shy lips against his neck. the hyungs checked up on them once or twice to see them curled up together, fast asleep.

————

bambam woke up first, head pounding and nausea twisting his stomach in knots. he wanted to get high. these feelings would go away if he was high, but he couldn't do it with yugyeom draped over him.

"baby, get up before i puke all over you," he said, lightly shaking yugyeom awake.

"good morning to you, too," yugyeom said, untangling himself from bambam and turning over.

bambam got up and searched under his bed, grabbing his box and sneaking to the bathroom. he went through the normal routine: mix heroin, burn it, fill the syringe, wipe his arm down, tie the tourniquet—

he didn't notice the door open.

"what the hell are you doing?" it was jaebum. he had caught him, needle in arm. "what the hell are you doing?" he repeated, a sudden mix of emotions in his voice.

"uh, i... nothing much. just chillin'," bambam said, avoiding eye contact while finishing the job. the guilt welled up in his stomach as he pressed toilet paper to the bleeding wound.

"how long have you been doing this?" jaebum asked. he gave bambam one of those disappointed-father glares and crossed his arms. bambam avoided the question and coughed awkwardly.

"six months," he eventually answered, the rush hitting him.

"you need to tell yugyeom."

"tell yugyeom what?" yugyeom asked, walking up behind jaebum and rubbing his eyes.

"um, uh... nothing, sweetheart. go back to bed, i'll be there in a minute," bambam said softly, making sure everything was out of sight.

"no, what's going on?" he asked jaebum, whose eyes were still locked on bambam.

"why don't you ask your addict boyfriend?" jaebum snapped, walking back to his room.

"addict? bam, what's he talking about? why is your arm—? what are those marks!?" yugyeom asked nervously. he had suspected this for a while now, but he never expected it to be true. he knew bambam was different. he could sense something had been wrong for a while.

"fucking—it's nothing! just stop, okay? i'm completely fine!" bambam snarled, trying to shove his way past yugyeom with his box in tow.

"no, you're not going anywhere until you tell me exactly what's going on, kunpimook!" yugyeom used bambam's full name. that's how he knew he was serious.

"it's a—it's a funny story, actually," bambam started, his nerves melting away. "well, you see, i've been injecting smack for about six months now, and—"

"smack. smack as in heroin? how fucking stupid are you?" yugyeom yelled, probably waking everyone up.

bambam sighed and rubbed his head, his high suddenly not feeling very relaxing. "god, get off my back! i've got it under control."

"no, you don't! i knew it. whenever i see you you're high, and when you're not, you want to be! i should've known. i knew something wasn't right about the way you've been looking or soeaking or acting. you were high last night weren't you? you're completely dependent! you need help, kunpimook!" tears were threatening to spill out of yugyeom's eyes as he tugged at his hair. "i knew something was off. i should've kept a better eye on you."

"it's not your fault," bambam started, his head held down. he reached out to take yugyeom's hand, but was rejected.

"don't fucking touch me! i can't believe you would do this, kunpimook. i thought you were better; smarter. god, just leave me alone. i don't want to see you." yugyeom stormed off angrily.

bambam, without thinking, decided that he was going to quit. he flushed the small bag of brown-ish powder down the toilet. he instantly felt regret, but he also felt relieved. he realized the remaining five boys were crowded around the bathroom door, trying to get a glimpse of what was going on. he took a deep breath and shoved his way through them without a word.

he walked to his room and threw the small box under his bed, all of the supplies now useless without the drug. he stood there for a minute and tried to collect his thoughts. the heroin surging through his veins was making that difficult, as it caused him to be so drowsy he could barely think. he walked outside sat out on the porch for a minute, the crisp air being the only thing keeping him awake.

he wanted to savor the feeling of his last high. the numbness, the contentment, the happiness with his surroundings. the situation from not even twenty minutes ago had already left his mind and he smiled. he smiled at the fact that he had people who loved him. he knew yugyeom was only yelling because he cared. at least, that's what he forced himself to believe.

he watched many cars and many people walk by, his mind so numb he couldn't create stories for them like he normally would. a minute turned into hours when he completely lost track of the time and the sky turned darker. the drugs were starting to wear off and he was realizing the severity of his situation. he knew the withdrawal would begin soon, and now he had nothing to keep the severe side effects at bay.

"hey, come inside. dinner's done," mark said emotionlessly. he must have heard the whole thing. everyone probably did.

"not hungry," bambam replied, hugging his knees to his chest.

"well, you have to come inside at some point. you're not sleeping out here," mark muttered, walking back inside without him.

bambam didn't want to face everyone. he didn't want to be bombarded with commands to get help. he most certainly didn't want to face yugyeom. he didn't want to see the disappointment and confusion in his eyes again. he didn't want to see any more tears knowing he was the one who caused them.

so, he stayed outside. he stayed outside until his watch read 02:00 and the sky was pitch black, not a soul left on the streets.

he was greeted by a blanket and pillow on the couch, which was apparently where he would be sleeping from now on. he walked into the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water.

his stomach was stirring with fear and guilt and his head seemed empty, feeling almost as shitty as he did this morning. he smiled sadly to himself and kicked off his shoes. he trudged his way to the couch and covered himself up. the blanket surrounded him and the silence swallowed him whole, and bambam felt like he was drowning.

———

the next day was filled with awkward stares and very little words. in fact, bambam didn't think he had said anything to anyone until about seven in the evening. he was stuck in his own head. the withdrawal was making him feel sick, like it always had. his nose was running, his muscles ached, his head hurt; he just felt awful. the anxiety and agitation hit a little while later.

"bambam." jinyoung took a seat next to him on the couch.

"what—nothing! i didn't do anything." bambam flinched. the withdrawal was making him paranoid as well, apparently.

"i just wanna talk, okay?"

"there's nothing to talk about. i quit, see? none of the track marks are recent!" he pulled up his sleeves and showed jinyoung his arms. "i just want to be alone right now."

"it's about yugyeom." he completely ignored what bambam was saying. "he's a mess because of you, you know. he's been crying to us and it's all because of you."

"i can't really do anything about that, hyung. he basically broke up with me, you know." he rested his head in his hands and took a deep breath. "he doesn't want me anymore. he doesn't want to be around me, and i don't blame him, so i won't bother him."

"bam, you need to talk to him."

"no! he told me himself he doesn't want to see me, so i don't need to talk to him. i—i'm just trying to respect him, hyung." bambam's voice trembled and he lifted his head up, making short eye contact.

"he needs you, bam. he loves you. you guys really need to talk this out," jinyoung insisted, patting bambam's shoulder.

bambam stood up and stretched. "maybe you're right."

he dragged his feet up the stairs to yugyeom's and his room. he stopped and stared at the door for a second before knocking lightly and walking in. "hey," he said, sitting on the corner of yugyeom's bed while the younger stared at the wall.

"what do you want?"

"i meant to tell you, yugyeom. i was just... scared and ashamed. i was so scared you'd hate me forever, and i'm so sorry, and i'll leave now if you want me to, i just—"

"you really are a fucking dumbass, kunpimook. i don't hate you. i'm angry and confused and scared and disappointed, but i can't ever hate you."

"i never wanted to be the person who made you feel that way," bambam started. "i'm sorry—" his anxiety took over and he suddenly couldn't piece together a sentence that could express what he was feeling, so he ran. not very far (just to the front porch), but it seemed like miles since his chest felt so heavy.

———

everyone had gone out without bambam early the next day. they had said it was because he was on "house arrest" for the moment, and they needed more groceries. however, they forced yugyeom to stay behind and keep watch of him.

bambam laid in yugyeom's bed, surrounded by the familiar scent. he heard yugyeom enter their bedroom and sigh. yugyeom then climbed in the bed facing him and pushed his hair out of his face. bambam pretended to be asleep as he did so, internally smiling.

"i know you're not asleep," yugyeom whispered.

"please, just let me lay here awhile," bambam sighed softly and opened his eyes.

"hey, just hear me out a second, okay? i think you need to get help. we all know well enough that you won't be able to stop on your own," yugyeom mumbled.

"i know, gyeom, but i'm scared. i don't know where to go from  
here. i can just—i can feel myself getting ready to snap at you. i want to yell at you and tell you to leave me alone because deep down i know you're right. i want to scream at the top of my lungs, the thoughts in my head are telling me i won't be able to live without it, and the withdrawal is worse than anything i've ever experienced." bambam felt tears threatening to spill. "it hurts! it hurts so much!"

sobs racked bambam's body, and in that moment yugyeom knew what true heartbreak felt like. "i don't know what to do...." bambam blubbered into yugyeom's chest, tears soaking through his shirt.

"hey, look at me. we're gonna find someone who knows all about this. someone can help so we can go back to the way things were. just us and the hyungs, recording and performing and having fun. you want that, don't you?"

"more than anything, yuggie," bambam sniffled. his wails began to die down and he hugged yugyeom tightly, thoughts racing through his head.

feeling the soft rise and fall of yugyeom's chest and hearing the sounds of his steady breaths relaxed bambam (well, as much as he could possibly relax). he wrapped his arms tightly around the younger, never wanting to let go.

"starting tomorrow, we're looking for rehab centers. you don't have any right to refuse." yugyeom said into his hair, followed by a short kiss to his forehead.

and with that, they fell asleep.


End file.
